I Should Have Said I Love You
by Kaishei
Summary: Song-fic: I Should Have Said I Love You, Huckapoo. No names used, Demi/Selena or any combination of their characters. 'I can't see you where you are. I remember how this Trainwreck started, but I'm gonna change how this Trainwreck ends.' Previously titled: 'Please Believe Me'.


_***Please note that there may be slight changes to the lyrics to better fit the context.**_

* * *

I sit on my bed, cross-legged, and sigh. A glance to the window shows me that it has started raining, when remains a mystery to me, too lost in my thoughts to hear the _pat-patting_ against the glass. Another sigh leaves my lips and I find myself closing my eyes for a moment, praying that I could just wake up and find that everything had been a dream. A really bad dream.

When I open them again, nothing's changed.

My eyes creep to the digital clock that sits beside my bed; 1:42AM. My thoughts turn once again to the reason I am cursed with sleepless nights.

To the girl I was infatuated with, the girl I _**am**_ infatuated with.

To the girl with the beautiful smile, enchanting eyes, captivating lips, and the personality of an angel.

To the girl who I hurt, pushed away.

* * *

_I can't believe that you're gone  
You're the only thing I need in my life  
Now I'm finding it hard just to sleep at night  
Since you told me, you won't stay by my side_

* * *

I lean back slightly and pull out a small, slightly crinkled photo, from beneath my pillow.

It's of us, before all this drama.

A dry chuckle escapes my lips and memories that I try so hard to repress come flooding back.

I had snuck into your room, as I always did. Even though we spent all day together, shooting our movie, it wasn't enough. I had to be with you 24/7. I was protective, perhaps too much. I can see that now.

It wasn't the obsessive protective act that did it, it should have been. It didn't help. I wanted to show the world that you were mine, that they couldn't have you, but I couldn't. I had to keep it low key. I struggled with it constantly, battling to keep myself under control, slowly I was getting better.

But none-the-less, I had tried to control you in some sense, but you liked to let loose; I liked control. It was then that you started to pull away from me, and I could see it, so I reeled you back in and toned it down. I allowed you your freedom, allowed you to let loose, or so it seemed. Truthfully, I was always there, keeping you under my watchful eyes. I think you knew that, but kept silent, knowing how hard it was for me. I guess we came to an unspoken compromise.

* * *

_Why did I let you turn and walk out that door_  
_I know why you're saying goodbye_

* * *

After we got back, our relationship was more than a little strained. No-one else could see, but it was so clear to me.

It was in the little things.

You began to hang out more with other friends. You used to be happy with me, just me. Our conversations would become less frequent. You spent more and more time with her, that... eugh! We were never buddy-buddy with her out of the public eye, but we didn't hate each other, we were courteous. It was obvious to everyone that you had a new confident, for whatever reason, but I respected it and held my tongue. I didn't want to push you even further away by throwing accusations around.

So I followed in your footsteps, I went out with my other friends, and even gained a new confident along the way. I never forgot about you, in truth, you were always there in the back of my mind. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I see now that it was a stupid mistake.

Before, you were always the one that stayed home and waited for me to call you between hanging out with friends. I didn't realize what that felt like for you, how left behind you must have felt. If I had dwelled on it a little longer, maybe I would have seen... maybe I wouldn't have lost you, maybe you would have been ok.

I hadn't realized that now it was _my_ turn to wait for you.

It was too late to fix my mistake when I realized just what I had done.

I might as well have told you that I didn't care.

After that... public outburst, I knew we had to talk. I watched it over and over for days before I found the courage to talk to you.

I needed to understand... I needed you to understand... to understand me, and what I felt. I needed to tell you. It didn't turn out that way though, and I regret it every day. If I had just said it first, if I had been quicker...

* * *

_Baby, I should have said I love you_  
_I should have said that I do love you too_  
_But you know I was scared  
To say that I cared  
But I know I do_  
_I should have said I love you_

* * *

I went to you.

I didn't know what to expect.

Part of me didn't even believe that you would be there, that you would be out with your new friends.

But as it turned out, you _were_ there. It was everyone else who was out instead.

The whole visit turned out to be unbelievably in my favour really, but somehow, it turned sour. I should have realized that it would be too good to be true.

You invited me in, and at first there was tension, but as the minutes passed, so did the atmosphere. We hung out, we hung out in a way we hadn't in what felt like so long. We had a movie night, ate popcorn, laughed, joked, and for a little while it was like nothing had even happened and we were perfect again.

But I knew that was a hopeless ideal, that the evening would eventually end and we would be thrust back into the real world. I knew I had to tell you sooner than later.

The look on your face when I said we needed to talk, you should have seen it, it was a strange combination of beautiful and amusing. You kept a blank expression, but your eyes... your eyes, I could see you were scared of what I was going to say.

I confessed everything. From the loneliness when we came back, to the fear that I was going to lose you if you so much as jumped on the bed, to the way you made my heart beat fast and the way I longed to hold you and never let go.

You didn't say much after that, but I could see that you understood.

We continued to watch the movie in silence after that, and I guess that most people would take that as a rejection, that they would have found it awkward, but I could see how relaxed you were, and in turn, so was I. The silence spoke volumes; it was clear that we had mutual, if somewhat confusing, feelings. Well, as it turns out, _I _found them confusing. You didn't.

During the rest of the movie, we naturally gravitated towards each other, as we always did. We'd started off at opposite end of the couch and ended up hips touching.

I just turned my head and kissed you, catching you unaware.

At first you were shocked, taken by surprise, but you were quick to grasp the situation and kiss me back.

After a while, we found ourselves lying on the couch, you on top of me, just kissing, just enjoying the greatly missed feeling of being near each other. The evening was going great, it was a success. Then you mentioned those words. The words I had wanted to hear, to really hear, for so long. The words I longed to whisper back at you at every moment of the day.

* * *

_I still feel your kiss on my lips_  
_I remember the sweet look in your eyes_  
_When you whispered the words, 'Baby, I love you'  
You know you froze me, I was hit by surprise_

* * *

I don't know why, but I froze. I couldn't understand it, I _still_ don't understand it. It was what I wanted to hear, it was what I wanted to say, to tell you. But my throat was dry and I couldn't speak. I panicked and you just looked at me, wide eyed, and like you always seemed to do, you knew exactly what I was feeling. You were quick as lightning, jumping off of me and sprinting for your room. The split second before you bolted is ingrained in my mind, and I don't think it's ever going to go. The heartbreak on your face, the tears, the fear. It breaks my heart over and over just to think how you were hurting like that, let alone knowing that _I_ caused that pain.

* * *

_Why did I let you turn and walk out that door_  
_I know I m not afraid anymore_

* * *

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't speak.

I stood outside your door, begging for you to let me in. I could hear you gasping, trying to catch your breath. Then you did, and you told me to leave. I had never heard you talk to anybody like that before, I had never heard you sound so... cold. Somehow it woke me up, and my confidence returned, and I declared my love for you over and over and over again. I could hear you sobbing through the door again. I guess you thought I was just trying to please you, that you didn't want to start a relationship, a _real_ relationship on something that seemed so unstable. You continued to cry, and I continued to stand hopelessly on the other side of the door, silent tears streaming down my face. After a while, your sobbing calmed, the occasional hiccup escaping you. But you didn't speak. I knew you knew I was there. As the silence continued, I became more disheartened, so when I heard you move away from the door and instead crawl into bed (I assume), I knew it was futile; the opportunity had passed.

So with a final _'I love you'_, I left. And I've been kicking myself ever since.

* * *

_Baby, I should have said I love you_  
_I should have said that I do love you too_  
_But you know I was scared  
(But you know I was scared)_  
_To say that I cared  
But I know I do_  
_I should have said I love you_

* * *

Tears run down my face, just as the rain outside.

I try to slow my breathing, try to regain control from the mourning that follows my memories.

Holding the photo to my chest, I lay back, burrowing my head into the pillows. I reach my arm out and grab at my phone, unlocking it. I stare at your number.

I would ring it, but I know that no-one would answer.

You aren't allowed your phone in there, the place that now keeps me from you.

I sniffle and rub at my eyes, trying to dry my face. I grab my laptop, placing the photo down gently beside my head. I check your sites, official and fan, all of them. I search your name, most recent results first, but as usual, there is nothing. There is no news on your front. It's not a surprise.

I check the clock again.

3:59AM.

I continue to scour through the internet, looking for anything, anything new at all. One says you're expected to leave soon, and I have to hope that maybe it's time. You have a show, a career, you can't just drop it all. You have me, you can't just drop me... you can't leave me.

You can't because I won't let you. Even if you want nothing more to do with me, I'll be there. I'll be there and I'll be watching you, whether you want me to or not.

* * *

_Baby, I should have said I love you_  
_I should have said that I do love you too._  
_But you know I was scared  
(But you know I was scared)_  
_To say that I cared  
But I know I do,_  
_I should have said I love you_

* * *

After that night, that stupid moment, we had both been thrown back into work.

I should have gone sooner, I could've stopped it happening, I know it.

We both had shows to film, and music to deal with, and then of course you had your movie.

I seriously planned to visit, but something always came up. I figured out pretty quickly that this was deliberate, who the orders came from, I never found out. It didn't matter who they came from, what mattered was that they were there. They were there and I couldn't see you, it was forbidden.

We talked a bit, but the strain was there. It's like neither of us knew what to say, as if we didn't know each other as long as we had, as though we were never best friends... as though we weren't in love. I told you every time, how much I loved you, I begged you to believe it. You always hung up.

Then I heard you were dating. Why him?

I knew it was fake, we all knew it was fake. I know you were pushed into it by forces higher up, _"good for promotion"_ they said. I wonder if those people have any idea what it does to the people they play with?

Then you 'broke up', and you were on tour and I _still_ couldn't see you. But I would watch you online, and baby, you were _amazing_.

I didn't believe it at first, the rumours. But then the pictures circulated. You were wild, and you loved to have a good time, but that wasn't you. The things you did, that wasn't you.

I knew it was my fault.

_I_ had driven you to this. _I_ had broke you.

Now, I still can't see you. Why can't I see you? I _need_ to see you.

* * *

_I should have said I love you  
(I love you)_  
_I should have said that I do love you too_  
_(Girl you know)  
Girl you know I was scared  
(Girl you know I was scared)_  
_To say that I cared  
But I know I do_  
_I should have said I love you  
I should have said I love you_

* * *

"Why can't I see you?" I say aloud, to the emptiness of my bedroom.

I squeeze my eyes shut when the all-too familiar prickling sensation appears again. "Why won't you give me a chance?"

I open my eyes again. I'm still holding my phone. The screen is blank, but I know that behind that darkness, your number still sits.

My fingers curl as I whiz through my mind, trying to find answers.

Licking my dry lips, I fire off a text. My fingers move quickly, not giving myself time to think, time to change my mind.

_I love you. I really do! Please believe me, please. I know I froze but u have 2 believe me. I love you and I don't care who knows anymore._

I send it and it takes only moments for me to begin to panic. I know she is allowed her phone for a while each day, when, I don't know.

_What if she doesn't want anything more to do with me? Can I really be satisfied just watching her from afar?_

I take deep breaths and curl into my bed.

Then I wait.

I don't know how long I waited for, or when I fell asleep, or even how long I was asleep for, but I know that I'm awoken by the buzzing of my phone.

_I know_.

I clutch my phone to my chest, and look to the photo that still sits perched on my pillow. It's the first time in a very long time that I smile and mean it.


End file.
